Kathryn's Inner Monologue
by PCBW
Summary: Not a novel concept by any means. My own sardonic take on Kathryn's thoughts post Endgame. Very JC (would I ever give you anything that wasn't?) M for language.


What an absolutely awful couple of days! No, slash that: what an absolutely awful seven years. Come now, Kathryn, it really wasn't all that bad. There were some enjoyable moments: first contact with species that weren't trying to kill you, bonding with your crew, charting new corners of the galaxy, New Earth… ok. Amend previous statement: what a _kind of_ awful past seven years. However, these past couple of days have been, decidedly, awful in the truest sense of the word.

And now, here I am. Here we are. Everything we've been working toward since I destroyed the Caretaker's array has been achieved. Here we are, surrounded by Federation ships making our way back to Earth. I should be shouting my exuberance from the fucking rooftop. But, alas, I am sitting here hunched over like Quasimodo in my command chair sulking like a teenager who didn't get asked to prom. In fact, it's worse that just not getting asked to prom. I am currently sitting here sandwiched between the man I want and the woman he's currently dating. Yup and she's gorgeous (if you like that sort of thing..): tall, busty, blond and with a super exotic Swedish name to boot. Ugh. I have to get out of here.

"Commander, you have the bridge". Is that my voice? I sound so grouchy. Well, I am. I'm damn grouchy. You know, it wasn't supposed to happen this way. Here's how it always played out in my head: we find a wormhole, it's magically stable enough to travel through, we scan it, find out it leads to the AQ and then presto – we're home. Then, just as we bust through the wormhole, Chakotay and I look at each other and suddenly it's like the whole world universe ceases to exist and it's just the two of us. I slowly make my way over to him while he moves in closer to me. Now, we're standing face-to-face, body-to-body. He gently takes my face in his hands and tilts me up to him where out mouths meet in a heated kiss that expresses all the desires and passion that we've felt for years but could never exact. We pull apart slowly, "I love you", I whisper. He smiles, "I love you, Kathryn". Then we proceed to have lots of sex and babies and live happily ever after. But nope. Here I am. There he is: with Seven. I just got this crew across 70,000 light years and I'm too damn grouchy to enjoy it… and all over a boy.

God, I hate the sound of that chime. "Come".

"Captain?" It's him. Do you know how juvenile I'm being? I'm pretending to read a padd on my desk. The damn thing is upside down. I won't even look at him, "Yes, _Commander?_"

I hear the door hiss shut. Excellent. Now we're alone. Kathryn, just don't throw anything.

"_Kathryn, _I'm confused."

Still not looking, "about what, Commander?"

"What's going on?"

"Nothing." Lie. Everything. Thanks a lot, Chakotay. So much for your little Angry Warrior –I'll-never-leave-you drabble…

"_Kathryn-_"

"It's _Captain, Commander"._

_"Kathryn,_ look at me."

Still staring at the upside down padd.

"KATHRYN!"

"WHAT?!" He looks really pissed. Whatever. I can counter any death glare he's throwing at me. So, I stare back. I can feel the heat rising in my cheeks.

"What the hell is going on with you, Kathryn? We're home. This is _everything _you've _wanted_ for the past seven years! And now you're sulking in your re-"

_"_Everything I've wanted? EVERYTHING I'VE WANTED?"

I'm sure that the bridge crew can hear us screaming at each other through the bulkhead.

"Yes, Kathryn, Goddammit! You've never been able to see past this one goal and now we're here! We're finally home and this is the sourest mood I've seen you in since the we were stuck in the Void!"

Now I'm seething. I can't actual feel my pulse go from 60 to 120. My respiration rate increases and I'm pretty sure there is steam rising off my skin as I grow horns.

"How dare you!" Why is he moving closer to me? He does have a temper... He's also much bigger than me. I think he might even be twice my weight. I hold out my hand, "stay where you are, Commander."

"Chakotay"

"What?"

"This obviously isn't an argument between the Captain and her First Officer. This is personal."

"You're damn right it's personal!" It's too much. I need to regroup. Calm, Kathryn, calm. Just rub your temples – ease the tension. Tension. Ease it. Nope nope – not anymore, I'm not hiding this anymore. He wants to know why- I'm going to tell him, "_the Angry Warrior swore that he would stay be her side and make her burdens lighter."_

The mood in the room takes a 180-degree turn. Just by saying the words, I felt calmer. But bitter. I'm so bitter.

"You remember that?"

"Of course I remember that. You called me beautiful."

He smiled, "You are." Don't do this, Chakotay - not when I can't have you. Don't make this harder. Please.

"I meant what I said, Kathryn."

"Really, Chakotay? Is that why you're dating Seven? If you're going to marry her, you can't possibly care for me. If you're going to marry her, my burdens are of no consequence to you."

"Marry her?! What?" His eyes are bugging out of his head.

"The Amdira – aren't you and Seven romantically involved?"

"Is that what you call 2 dinner dates and one quasi-kiss? Oh, God, Kathryn is that what this is about?"

"Well… uh.." I'm at a loss. Now I just look pathetic. The great Starship Captain Kathryn Janeway is flustered over a boy? Yes. This boy, this wonderful boy. He moves closer, "Kathryn?"

"Ummm," Seriously woman. Say. Something.

"Look at me."

No. No I can't look at you or I'll melt. Oh no. Now it's unavoidable – he's tilting my chin. Ah! Those eyes. That face. That body. I want it all. He's too close. He's enjoying this, "Kathryn?"

"Y..yes?"

"I'm going to be ridiculously forward with you right now and you're going to tell me the truth. Ok?"

"Ok." Is that really my voice? I sound like I'm in a trance. I can't even think straight. Honestly, with the way he's looking at me and the proximity of his body I'd tell him my deepest darkest secrets.

"I'm going to ask this very, very slowly: Are. You. In. Love. With. Me?"

I dumbly nod my head. Of course I'm in love with you, you big dummy.

"Ok."

WHAT?, That snapped me out of my reverie. I was expecting a searing kiss. I was expecting him to slam me against the wall and tear my clothes off. "OK?! I just told you I'm in love with you and all I get is 'OK'? What the hell, Chakotay?" He's laughing at me. "And now you're laughing at me? Are you kidding?" I've had enough of this. As I shove past him he grabs my hand. Here it goes, and he slams me against the bulkhead, knocking the wind out of my lungs. I'm so confused!

"Kathryn, you are so infuriating. You are exceedingly frustrating. But, for some insane reason that I'm not yet too sure of, I'm in love with you. Hell, Kathryn, I've been in love with you since New Earth – maybe even before. But, recently, you've become so distant so-"

"I know."

"Why?"

"I'm scared. I was scared."

"Why?"

"After Quarra. "

"Were you in love with him?"

"No. Yes. No. I thought I was. I wasn't myself."

"It hurt me"

"Why?"

"You knew him for 3 weeks and moved in with him. You've known me for 7 seven years and you won't let me hug you."

"I wasn't myself."

"But the essence of who you are was the same."

"I'm sorry." And I am. I am sorry.

"I understand why, Kathryn – but it still stung. And it hurt when you turned your back on me there."

"I know." I feel so ashamed. "Please, forgive me. I was confused. I'm so, so sorry."

"I know. It's OK."

"You hurt me, too, Chakotay."

"I've hurt you a lot. You'll have to be specific."

"Teero. Seven."

"I know." I put my hand on his chest over his heart. I can feel his steady heartbeat. What we're doing here, now – it's cleansing. We're making a clean slate.

"I wasn't myself with Teero."

"I wasn't myself with Jaffen."

"You were yourself with Michael."

"You were yourself with Seven."

"Touché."

"Why is it so easy to hurt each other?

"Because we love each other." And there it is. It didn't happen the way that I imagined it, but it still happened. We still said it.

"Are you with Seven?"

"No."

"What?"

"We ended it in Astrometrics before we reached Earth."

"So… what do we do now?" Always the planner, Kathryn.

"Now," now I can feel his breath on my face. He's moving closer to me. I can feel more of the heat coming off his body. "Now I kiss you. I kiss you until you can't breath." His hands roam over my body. I sob: I haven't been touched in so long. Not like this. Not by him. And that's it isn't it? Since I met him – maybe even before, I knew that he was the only one I wanted to touch me – really touch me. He's as close to me as space allows and I feel his lips on mine. They're wonderful. Soft. Warm. He tugs on my lip and opens my mouth. His tongue swirls over mine. Then he explores my mouth. I can't breath and I let out a little moan into his open mouth. I feel him against me. He's hot against my stomach and my own moisture begins to pool in response.

"Now what?" I say breathlessly.

"Now, I tell you that we were always meant to be together. Now we go home and start our life. Now we get married and start a family. Now we forgive ourselves and each other. Now we live."

I smile. Yes. Everything worked out in the end.


End file.
